The thing that sucks for me is I always come back to them because it feels like an arms race. If everyone else is on them, and I’m not, and I don’t want to end up alone or end up settling, then it feels like I have to be on them. And it sucks. Thank you for writing this, I feel so vindicated
Great essay. I'm at a point where I think I need to delete all dating apps, I hate spending money and wasting time on them especially when I have so little success with them. It completely shatters my self esteem and any confidence I had that I can't look at them or bother trying anything with them for weeks.
It makes dating and meeting new people seem impossible especially as someone new to London.
Thanks! The apps really can do a number on your sense of self worth, however difficult it is to do I think getting off of them is a welcome refresher every now and then.
kate!!!! this is so so so good. i’ve been so eager to read what you have to say about dating apps especially since ive been struggling with them as of late; i feel that this post illuminates most of what ive been feeling. you articulate so well. i cried at the end because it is so sick that even love has to be commodified! it hurts to be lonely and feel that there’s no real escape via the typical avenues in which we seek connections like dating apps and i…. feel so sad about it. most of the time. idk you can also meet great people — amazing writers and amazing friends! — on dating apps too :) thank you so for sharing this.
thank you so much! it really is so painful and frustrating that so many of us are struggling w these same feelings yet still feel so lonely and isolated, hope that by writing and talking about it we can all feel a little less alone <3
“In our profiles, our sites of digital self promotion, we must be simultaneously homogenised and differentiated. Homogenised enough to appeal to a broad base and the prevailing norms of contemporary dating culture, yet differentiated enough to catch someone’s eye.”
My dearest!! Kate!! This is brilliantly written and insightful!! It's fascinating how these digital spaces demand a balance between conformity and uniqueness… personally, I have never joined a dating app, and I say this not as a badge of honor, but because the self-advertising aspect you describe feels unsettling to me (I also feel the same way about networking, but I suppose that’s unavoidable). Anyways, this brings to mind Montaigne’s ideas on the nature of self-presentation in his essay "Of the Inconsistency of Our Actions," (quote that I like and think goes a little with what you’re talking about: "We are all patchwork, and so shapeless and diverse in composition that each bit, each moment, plays its own game.) Montaigne (from my understanding) questioned whether we can ever genuinely present our true selves, or if we're always performing to some extent, and I think that Montaigne might argue that in our attempts to attract others, we may lose sight of our true selves. Soooo—and sorry for the long-windedness—do you think that there is ever a way to present our true selves in spaces dominated by the need for appeal and differentiation?
The thing that sucks for me is I always come back to them because it feels like an arms race. If everyone else is on them, and I’m not, and I don’t want to end up alone or end up settling, then it feels like I have to be on them. And it sucks. Thank you for writing this, I feel so vindicated
Same! It's hard not to, not even a week after writing this I'm back on Hinge. It does suck <3
Great essay. I'm at a point where I think I need to delete all dating apps, I hate spending money and wasting time on them especially when I have so little success with them. It completely shatters my self esteem and any confidence I had that I can't look at them or bother trying anything with them for weeks.
It makes dating and meeting new people seem impossible especially as someone new to London.
Thanks! The apps really can do a number on your sense of self worth, however difficult it is to do I think getting off of them is a welcome refresher every now and then.
kate!!!! this is so so so good. i’ve been so eager to read what you have to say about dating apps especially since ive been struggling with them as of late; i feel that this post illuminates most of what ive been feeling. you articulate so well. i cried at the end because it is so sick that even love has to be commodified! it hurts to be lonely and feel that there’s no real escape via the typical avenues in which we seek connections like dating apps and i…. feel so sad about it. most of the time. idk you can also meet great people — amazing writers and amazing friends! — on dating apps too :) thank you so for sharing this.
thank you so much! it really is so painful and frustrating that so many of us are struggling w these same feelings yet still feel so lonely and isolated, hope that by writing and talking about it we can all feel a little less alone <3
“In our profiles, our sites of digital self promotion, we must be simultaneously homogenised and differentiated. Homogenised enough to appeal to a broad base and the prevailing norms of contemporary dating culture, yet differentiated enough to catch someone’s eye.”
My dearest!! Kate!! This is brilliantly written and insightful!! It's fascinating how these digital spaces demand a balance between conformity and uniqueness… personally, I have never joined a dating app, and I say this not as a badge of honor, but because the self-advertising aspect you describe feels unsettling to me (I also feel the same way about networking, but I suppose that’s unavoidable). Anyways, this brings to mind Montaigne’s ideas on the nature of self-presentation in his essay "Of the Inconsistency of Our Actions," (quote that I like and think goes a little with what you’re talking about: "We are all patchwork, and so shapeless and diverse in composition that each bit, each moment, plays its own game.) Montaigne (from my understanding) questioned whether we can ever genuinely present our true selves, or if we're always performing to some extent, and I think that Montaigne might argue that in our attempts to attract others, we may lose sight of our true selves. Soooo—and sorry for the long-windedness—do you think that there is ever a way to present our true selves in spaces dominated by the need for appeal and differentiation?